He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
