just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
