i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
