I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
