I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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