Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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