Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
