Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
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