I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Someone shattered a urinal.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
