So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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