remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
