Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
