I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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