this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
