Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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