i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
