At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
