Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize