Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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