I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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