you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
