Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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