Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
