Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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