Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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