oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
