I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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