yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
