WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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