anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
