We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
