you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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