who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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