Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize