oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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