I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
