but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize