Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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