I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
