Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
