It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
