My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I need a burrito and a hug.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
