I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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