frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize