I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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