Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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