who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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