he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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