i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
