yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
