3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
