I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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