I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
