i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize