Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
