i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
True strength comes from lack of pants
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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