I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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