Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
