I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
